Otherwise, Life is good

Couple other little updates from my glamorous life.  My Chinese brother Shaoshu turned Thirty on Sunday (so old!), so we got to celebrate with some old friend, several of whom we hadn't seen since college.  It was a fun party.

It is snowing in Seattle.  It's not that much snow- maybe 6 inches on the ground here, getting icy on top.  The real issue is that there isn't much snow removal equipment, and not a lot of experienced drivers.  It's the kind of combination that makes a person want to sit at home with cocoa- which I did.

My dissertation arrived.  It's anti-climatic to have the final printed version.  It looks good, the images came out nice, and it is bound in black with the title along the spine.  That is the end of that.

The job hunt continues.  I am told this is a good time of year to be looking for a job.  I have some plans to meet with more people, so the networking part is coming along.  Nothing feels like it is that close to turning into a job yet (Boo), but I have got some things to keep me busy.

Like this cold.  I was feeling all jealous of Noel's household being sick all the time, so I went out and got a germ of my own.  Matt isn't thrilled, but that's because I have more germs than him- for now.

Overall, things seem fine.  This is the first time I will have been home for a full week in over a month.  I am trying get a normal life here.  Seeing friends, cooking in the kitchen, that sort of stuff.  I am looking forward to Nana's February visit.

Getting done and getting back to normal

As Dad pointed out, I defended my Ph.D.! This is a big milestone for me, and it was really fantastic to have my family around to help celebrate what has felt like a very personal struggle culminating in such success! Much fun (and food!) was had by all over the weekend, and served as a well needed break.

Because when I got back to work on Tuesday... there were literally 1,000 pages of comments waiting on my desk- that is 2 full reams of paper, dog eared and with post-it notes sticking out. That actually has been fairly managable to tackle, and I expect I'll be done with the worst by the end of the week. But I'm not sure yet, since I am doing some experiments this week too- I feel like I'm getting right back to normal. Well, not normal, precisely. Absolutely better. I don't feel anxiety about coming in to work, mostly because the one most important thing I've had to worry about (getting my degree), I got, and they can't take it back. My papers may never get published and it may take a long time to get a job, but I've got the degree.

And otherwise things are moving along. I'm covering some experiments for my undergrad while he crams for the MCATs, hoping we can all get a manuscript 3 or 5 or whatever out of this deal... Oh, and good news, Manuscript #2 was resubmitted today. I'm fairly confident it will be accepted, and hoping that can move forward quickly, since a publication would greatly improve my scientist credibility. This paper has been a lot of back and forth with the collaborators in many timezones, and although I am the first author, I've had very little influence on the actual written document (for better or for worse). For me it has been easy to participate in, although if I had any more pull on the project, I'd have written it up differently- but it probably wouldn't have been as interesting to the people we want reading it that way. I'll happily overlook all that if it gets published, so keep your fingers crossed!

T minus 4 days

I started applying for jobs saying I was a Ph.D. today. All systems go...

Can't wait for my family to be here and for the party to start.

Dissertation, Done! and a seminar primer

I turned in my dissertation today! Hand delivered to each of my committee members (except for the one who left for Atlanta this morning, but he doesn't mind), who each recieved it with varying degrees of ambivalence and dread. I realize that this milestone for me is actually the starter's gun for them. I finished writing 200 pages! Now you have to read it! Needless to say, this drained the excitement out of the moment like a whistling slow leak on a bike tire. In fact, while hanging around waiting for various committee members to be available, I ended up chatting with enough of my peers to acknowlege that Yes, I am graduating in 9 days and No, I don't know what I'll do next, but Yes, Dr. Boss won't be paying me in September. What should have been excitement about a writing break, quickly turned into acute panic about my employment status. Ugh.

In the next nine days, I am hoping to find some jobs to apply for and prepare my seminar. I've had the privilege of going to some other defenses lately, which reminded me that people who don't do this often might like a primer on The Seminar.

I'll be giving my seminar in a lecture hall, which will hopefully feel well attended. The only people required to be there are my committee members- you'll recognize them by having a 200 page document they bring with them. They might flip through it while I talk- this is not rude. Those of you in attendance will get to see me sweating about projector set ups as early as 12:30. At 1pm sharp- or whenever all my committee members have assembled, Dr. Boss will stand up and give a brief introduction. Some faculty like to tell embarrassing stories or get choked up. Fortunately Dr. Boss will say something fairly flattering and professional, but don't expect a well rehearsed speech. The last time he introduced me he admitted my project was "something of a mid-life crisis that turned into a really great opportunity to work with Dr. Rockstar. Here's Sandlin!" "...?" I guess I am saying, don't read to much into whatever he says.

Then I will talk for about an hour. For those not already familiar with my work, I would hope you can understand the first slide or two, and you can be awakened for the slide titled Conclusions. I've decided to keep my acknowledgments strictly professional (people sometimes take the opportunity to publicly thanks their family and friends. I don't think I can do that with dry eyes, and I need my professional dignity for the committee meeting), so I'll probably go through three slides of collaborators and people who've taught me techniques, and then I'll say "and with that, I'll take any questions." Everyone will clap- but it's not over yet! Now is not a good time to take phone calls! Dr. Boss will jump up to moderate any questions, and everyone will stay in their seats to hear what is asked and how I respond. Anyone is welcome to ask questions, but please keep in mind the above regarding my professional dignity. I've seen a spouse ask a devastatingly prescient question the graduate had no response for, and everyone felt awkward about it. Hopefully this won't drag on more than 15 minutes. After that, Dr. Boss will say something about reconvening the committee, and everyone will clap again, and leave. I'll break down my computer while everyone else shuffles out, and then race upstairs to the conference room for my committee meeting. I know it may seem tempting to do otherwise, but this is the peak of my professional career, so no matter how flustered, or blubbery or astoundingly brilliant I seem, please don't come give me kisses, yet! Just brave smiles and I am off to The Defense. This is the end of the part you'll see.

After that, I'll have a meeting with my committee. I actually have no idea what will happen in there, but I expect it will be an hour or two. Eventually, I will be on the receiving end of 1,000 pages of comments and some congratulatory handshakes. Those in attendance are welcome to retire to their hotel, or hang out at my desk and harass my coworkers- they love funny stories! - since this is probably where I will head first to deposit 1000 pages. Those in absentia can expect texts before 5pm EST. Once Dr. Boss is out of sight, pile on the hugs and kisses, my professional obligations for the day are over! I promise I'll come hunting for family to hug no matter where you are, so go ahead and enjoy a nap or a lemonade or something else to kill the time.

Insert Title Here

I apologize for being a bit negligent of the blog of late- I think by next week I will be resigned to my fate, but for now it still seems like I can vastly improve (change?) my dissertation, and I am compelled to do so. This means the few things I've been doing that weren't writing have slipped by the way side, as has my regular sleep schedule alongside the balanced part of my diet. Good thing you can't OD on yogurt! I promise- for the sake of the blog- to do lots of fun, blog-worthy things over the summer to make up for the boring-ness of the springs blog posts. Y'know, for the blog.

But I am here today, because I need your help. I have been in a kind of "don't jinx it" denial about getting a Ph.D. for a long time. Yesterday, the announcement of my seminar was sent around my department and to other departments on campus, and something about seeing my name on the formal announcement made it seem real. Really, stomach clenching, blood freezing real. And Shaoshu reminded me of one of the many aspects that I am totally unprepared for- How am I going to use the title?

I know some people who feel they worked hard to earn that title and are gonna use it- dang it!, but I think I am little embarrassed about it. Maybe because I have spend the last several weeks working on revisions, this process hasn't left me feeling profoundly smart. My plan is to get through the remainder of my adult life without people knowing immediately that I have a Ph.D. I mean, I don't want to be the Central Casting type for the next episode of Big Bang Theory. And I REALLY don't want people turning to me in case of a medical emergency; "I thought you were a Doctor!?" I am hoping to get to use it in other less important places- signing petitions or writing checks or getting a home loan. Maybe I'll finally get my married name on all my magazines and catalogues with the upgrade. Any thoughts on where and when a person should use the title ? (which you'll notice, I couldn't bring myself to append to my own name in a blog post. It's gonna take some getting used to.)

It's a problem you'd love to have

Like several other thousand people on the internet, I follow a blog called WhiteWhine, which is a collection of first world problems- people complaining about the weather on their tropical vacation or being mellow-dramatic about technology. It is a good to keep in perspective that the problems I have are problems other people want. You know, "I have soo much produce in my fridge, I'll be eating chilean blueberries and hot house tomotoes until I turn colors," and "It sucks to have to pick between only a few awesome vacations every year..." as examples of problems I actually have.

But the big problem I have that I feel like a jerk whining about is graduating. I know, graduating itself isn't a problem, and there are plenty of people who've worked much harder and achieved more that wouldn't waste a moment whining about it. Actually, this is part of the problem with being the first to graduate, both in my class, and in my cohort at lab- I am surrounded by people who are envious of my predicament. Boohoo- I have to write my dissertation so I can get a PhD. Doesn't that sound lame? I hardly have anytime between publishing all these papers to look for my dream job. Who doesn't want that problem? I am really worried/slightly overwhelmed by it, but I don't expect much sympathy at work.

On the one hand, I am embarrassed by how easy this has been for me- I've never spent the night at lab (although I've been there at all shades of odd hours), I should be able to publish- maybe more than once, I've had the luxury of being really indulgent with my time, starting up WISC, teaching bioethics and still kept this ship on track. I am actually graduating well ahead of the department average, and I managed to tick all the essential boxes on the way (even though it often seemed like that would never happen). And I think I have little bit a guilt about my luck, too. This is a field where hard work does not equate success, and I guess that goes both directions. Don't get me wrong, I've worked hard, and consistently, but so have my classmates, and they aren't graduating yet. It would be crass of me to complain about how I have SO much to get done for manuscript #4 before I can start writing (oh yeah, there are 4 manuscripts now- who knew the first one would open the floodgates), even though I am actually not sure I can get it all done in the 2.5 weeks I have left.

I really valued hearing about the process from other graduate students before I had to do this on my own, so I know my coworkers are being sincere when they ask me about it. But it is really hard to describe what I am going through without coming off as a braggart.

* * * *

Just then my phone rang, and now I am always answering it without looking, as if Noel would possibly be calling me from some novel area code, and not, say, his own phone. I wonder if they will even still have telemarketers by the time Tyler has a phone.

100 Days- and the next 23 days

They tell me that is takes 2 months to write a dissertation. This seems strangely arbitrary, but since I imagine that my dissertation will be relatively straightforward to write, as far as these things go, I am going to use that as my meter. More on that process later, but for now, I have an always expanding list of things to do before that mark. That is actually 23 days from now.

It boggles the mind to imagine how this is all just going to come together in the next 23 days. I'd imagined a steady transition from doing experiments to reading more and thinking heavily about my results and their context in the literature and finally putting that down in words. This steady transition I thought would happen this month. Instead, this month I am scrambling to cram in some extra science before a variety of deadlines. This is tough actually, in your last few months of grad school, almost every experiment is very purposeful, every experiment gets published. So if you stop doing experiments too soon, you publish less. This is the time in my career I MOST want to be at the bench, it is finally gratifying, and I am about to be ripped away to tackle the painful task of writing about it.

I am going to try to give myself some hard deadlines, because I think I will need every minute of my 2 months to get this document written, so I won't have time to spend some extra hours at the bench everyday. Not sure how else to set myself up for success- any ideas? I am also not sure how I am going to manage writing towards deadlines, once that chapter of my life starts, but I figure the first step is to clear my calender of benchwork so I can focus on one undertaking at a time.

BTW- today marks 100 days until I defend this document. 100 days until you can call me Doctor (hopefully).

June 29, 2011

Folks, let this be a day that you remember that I'll never forget. June 29, at 1pm, I will be defending my dissertation. If you are reading this, you are invited to join for the public seminar, and the reception later that afternoon. But I am getting ahead of myself, let me give you the run down.

Last month, my boss told me that January would be a good time to set my next committee meeting, and also get a feel for when the defense could be. So, today was the day. My committee agreed to meet in April so I can ask to write, and agreed to meet in June to allow me to defend the document. This system makes it seem like your graduate career hinges on your performance on a single day. It isn't, really- there are too many checks in place to make sure you don't fail on this day. In April my committee will formally tell me that it's ok to write, because they already have a good feeling for what I've accomplished and I am capable of. Now I just need to prove them right.

This is so far in the future, right now it is still plenty exciting- like go out for Matzoball Soup exciting. Later it will seem overwhelming and stressful. I expect to prepare a ~200 page document about everything I've done since I've come to grad school. This includes the exciting stuff I've been writing about in my manuscript, and the other stuff I did as a first year when I wasn't especially organized. This seems challenging.

Once that document (the dissertation) is submitted, then I'll prepare a one hour presentation that I'll present to the department, and any other members of the public that feel like attending. And then, I will stand in front of my committee for an hour or two while they fling questions at me, to prove whether or not I've become sufficiently expert in my field. If I have, they'll each give me comments on my 200 page document back, which I will feed into a giant pdf, that must be formatted Just So before the paper work can be filed and the degree becomes official.

But first, after the questions- we'll party. You are invited to that part.