I rescued a cat. I feel terrible.

I had a doctors appointment today (1 year post-op!), which means I worked from home and walked. On my way home, I noticed a little lump of fur in the leaves by the side walk. It hissed at me, and then meowed pathetically. And when I looked at it straight on, it hissed, and then meowed again. Heart breaking meows, like I am so sorry for that hiss, but I dont feel good right now and I am scared, and I am cold, and I am alone...

Well, I couldn't unsee that, I couldn't unhear that, and I couldn't walk away. I have no idea what to do though. I am on the side of a busy street, with no other pedestrians. This cat doesn't have a collar, and might be mean. I pull out my phone, and look for cat rescue, which leads me to animal control, who tell me to take the cat to a vet clinic. I call the vet clinic (because really? You can just leave stray, injured animals there?), and they say, well, actually, take it to the animal hospital. If the cat looks injured (and this one seems not right about the back legs), its going to need care all night, and we go home. A guy came by to check on the cat, and said it had been there since 6am. He also didn't know what to do. But now I have been talking to the cat, and it let me pet its head a bit.

I am going to help this cat.

I go back to the doctors office and get a box with a lid. I take my sweater off and put my coat back on. The cat is shivering, and it doesn't mind when I throw a sweater on it. I figure I can cover the sharp bits with the sweater to move it into the box and slam the lid on. But the cat doesn't fuss at all when I pick it up. It also cant move its hind legs when I get it in the box. Its legs are sticking out so I cant get the lid shut.

I just have to get the cat to the hospital.

I am talking to the cat the whole way home. Its ok. You are having a bad day. Almost there. You are so brave. Good kitty. Its ok, buddy. ... And the cat is talking back. That same, lonely, scared meow. The hospital is close, and they gladly spring to action. Lets get him into a room, and have a look, they say.

Now the cat is warm and alert. And friendly. He nuzzles the microchip scanner the detects nothing. He nuzzles the vet tech as she pulls him onto a clean towel. He looks for a new hand to nuzzle as the vet tech pinches those back legs to see if he feels anything. Nothing. She says he has no circulation back there. She takes him back to see a doctor, and they tell me Thanks for bringing him in.

I am going to hold my cat and cry now.

I am pretty sure they are going to put that cat down. They probably already did. Matt says dying by the side of the road would be worse than going to a cat hospital. And that is true, but now I feel like I lost a cat that was mine for a while. I feel like I lied to the cat. I feel like if I could be so moved by a cat, why do I not do more to help with human suffering? I feel like I should not have left the cat to be put down by strangers, when I might have stayed with it. I feel like my rescue backfired. I almost want to call the hospital to see what happened to the cat, but the outcome seems so obvious. For a minute today, I thought I was going to be a hero, but now I just feel heart sick.