Attack of Impostor Syndrome

I first heard of impostor syndrome when I came to graduate school. For those not familiar, it is "is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments" according to Wikipedia. It manifests as thinking you are the dumbest one in the class, that you were only admitted to graduate school by mistake, left to your own devices you'll surely fail. It undercuts feelings of success, makes one shy away from challenge and flinch at criticism. While I recognized those feelings in myself, I always thought that this was really an issue for me, especially if I could remember that others feel the same.

But, this has been a bad month for science. My collaborators want me to finish some simple sounding assays so we can publish. This would be my first manuscript, which I am conflicted about because I feel like my contribution (purifying a lot of protein), is quite small relative to the amount of work performed by others (screening 300,000 compounds in 3 or 4 assays). Now the final assays are not working for unknown reasons and I've spent weeks repeating the same assays that just won't budge.

And while I was focused on getting that working, I nearly forgot about this stupid poster I was supposed to put together for a campus wide retreat on cancer research. So I slapped together a poster with the data I do have, and grudgingly stood around. Fortunately, my undergrad had a poster quite nearby, so we chatted about hating the failures of science while not a soul stopped by to look at our posters. At 7pm, I left. The poster session would go on for another hour- but it was a long an exhausting day and I made plans with friends. I got a text from my undergrad later that he had spent 30 min with someone explaining both of our posters, but no one else had come by when he left at 745. At 930, I got a phone call from the organizers to congratulate me for winning third place in the poster contest, and would I please come for the award ceremony the next morning?

My first response was to laugh, but then I got worried. I hadn't spoken to anyone about my work, surely the judge must have thought my undergrad was me- he did all the hard work of explaining it, and I don't want him to think I've stolen this prize for his efforts. And what if I get there in the morning and the judges don't recognize me and call me out? And how am I going to explain to my boss that I didn't answer any of the judges questions because I left an hour early? And of course, I can't just never mention it again (which was my first thought), because there is a $100 prize, and the awardee is invited to speak at a seminar series at the Cancer Institute. I was panicked! What is the right thing to do??

I called my undergrad and left him a message to tell him and thank him for sticking it out for both of us. And then I fretted about it- I couldn't sleep. I chatted online briefly with a friend who didn't understand my panic ("the award is for all the time and effort that goes into the poster, not the 10 min you talk to a judge about it"). This was the WORST thing that could have happened- and now I am in the awkward position of having to make it right for all parties involved. Ugh!

In the morning I told some of my coworkers about it, who laughed but also didn't understand my misgivings ("But I got an award without even being there!"), but suggested I could split the award with my undergrad (who did do part of the work, and was credited on the poster), if it would make me feel better. By the time he did arrive, I thought I would be sick- but he described the way the rest of the evening went. I no longer think that this person judged my poster- I think they were judging his. And he thought it was great that his work got an award, even if it went to me. And yes, he would let me by him a beer in gratitude. He wanted to sit right up front at this award ceremony, but I insisted we sit in the back (so we could slip out later- sure). And after a quick picture taking, and exchange of a GIANT heavy plaque, it was done. No one shouted that it wasn't me, no one insisted on proofs of identification. The gals at the registration desk asked for my info to make sure I would get the money (sigh), and no one said anything about this talk. I was starting to believe that maybe they had meant the award to go to me- and even if my poster wasn't the best one at the whole poster fair, I would try and be graceful and ponder times I thought I was more deserving and was passed over for award. Ok, karmic balance, fine. I'll give my undergrad as much credit as possible without ever bringing up this ridiculous episode again.

And when I got back to my desk after the ceremony, there was a message on my phone from the gals at registration- my heart sank. Surely they were calling about the confusion, and I hope they didn't get mad at me for getting my fingerprints on their nice plaque- but it wasn't. They were calling to find me and get my info. Again, no anger, no shouting. That's when I realized I was having an acute attack of Impostor Syndrome.

I hope I never feel so conflicted about good news ever again. It was terribly stressful, and I felt like the whole thing reflected very poorly on my character (Why did I leave early? I wouldn't feel so conflicted if I'd have just stayed the whole time. Shouldn't I have said to the woman who called me that she had the wrong number? the wrong poster? ) My boss was out of town, I was dreading him coming back to have to explain that I hadn't gotten much done, and now I feel like I have to explain away this whole poster prize thing too. I know I am being irrational- but it would be easier to be rational if I felt like I was a good scientist. I want to graduate and put all this emotional turmoil behind me.